Saturday, March 21, 2009

Just waiting

Our interview with the director with Hillcrest ministries went very well Wednesday night so now we are just waiting ti hear if we get the position as Resident Managers.
He said we would hear something the first of the week.
Why is waiting so hard???
It's almost as though we are depressed waiting to hear something~anything. I know I know~All in God's timing. I'm trying!!!
My toes are still turning blue. Now we have some painful tingling and it seems to be happening more often. Dr. Oro says to watch the way I sit. I guess I will have too cause i can't get there for surgery any sooner than May.
Love ya all,

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Did I tell you about my blue toes

I guess it has been a few days since I've posted. Well I have a few things to share.
I noticed a little over a week ago that my toes were turning blue. Between Michael ,mom and myself we kept an eye on them and decided that it was happening whenever I bent my knees like to cross my legs or sit indian style.Michael being a diabetic couldn't take it any more and took me to the Dr. They said I am not getting enough oxygen to my feet and that the blood is going down but not coming back up. Ok fine~ what do I do?? The doctor said it will probably continue to happen until I have my TC surgery and really didn't seem to concerned. Dr.Oro has been out of town so I haven't heard from him so I guess I'll just have blue toes and not worry.
Ok~another totally awsome thing is going on.
Our church sponsors a transitional (sp) housing program called HillCrest Ministries. The program just bought 1 city block in Kansas city Kansas (about 10 minutes from where we live now)There are 2 houses,2 duplexes and 4 ~4 plexes. The program is just starting in this new area and they need a resident manager team (michael and I). I am in a Sunday morning small group with Paul who happens to be on the board of this program and asked if we would be interested in the position. Can any one say YES!!!!! Anyway we went and saw the area and where we would live~in the duplex~2bedroom 1 bath kitchen all that stuff for $100 a month.
We spoke to our pastor and he already knew. Paul had spoken to him. We spoke to the associate pastor who guess what~ is on the board with HillCrest also. Any way we have to meet tomorrow night with the director and if it is a fit we move in ASAP.
This is soooo cool on so many levels.
We would be able to get back into missions ministry which we haven't been able to do since I got sick
We would be serving the Lord.
We would so be able to get out of debt with only $100 rent payment
We would be able to get out of my moms
We would be helping others and making new friends
I could go on an on but I will stop there.
We meet with ~Shawn~tomorrow night at 5:30. Tomorrow is also our 10 year wedding anniversary.
Is this a God thing or what.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Oh Monday Monday

Wow,I have to say I am surprised by how bad I feel today. My face,head,neck,shoulders and low back are clearly not happy today. I've taken the Flexiril and Vicodin and have yet to see much improvement so this post may be short.
We looked at a studio apartment and asked about a little loft in our area and found out that we or even just Michael make to much for us to live at these 2 places. Maybe we are where we are supposed to be for the time being. We have decided that we can't change my mom so we must change our attitudes to keep going. It wasn't bad this weekend. We all 3 actually had dinner together last night.
The smoke is still a super big issue. It is hard to stop smoking when you live with a smoker!!
But I won't be a victim of my circumstance!!
Keep on keeping on ya all,

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I've failed

I've failed at not smoking.
As little as I smoke~this is very hard. It couldn't be due to any stress issues I have. Ha!!
I went to see Sandra ~the therapist~yesterday.Just right off the top I knew she wasn't for me so I won't be going back but she like my family doctor and the Pastor told me I need to move. I have only been here 1 week people and I'm a nut!!! She did talk to me a little about the brain and stress and I have enough brain issues that I am really not doing myself any good. She said if she could prescribe me xanax she would.
Any way she was nice enough and I was glad to of gone but I need something more Christian based.
I don't know where you live but here in Missouri it is sooo nice. It is about 72 and just a little breezey.I got out and got a hair cut and did a little shopping for little Sydney for her first Easter (Sydney is the baby I nanny for). A little shopping therapy always helps in making one feel better.
We are going to go tomorrow and look at a studio apartment. Michael would like for us to be able to make it here at moms until July when I go back to work after TC surgery but that is reall really far away. Can I just say we made a HUGE mistake in even thinking it could work here.I had no idea it was going to be so hard. I had no idea I had issues with my mom. Talking to someone on the phone is much different than living with them.
On another note~ my dad is finally starting to recover nicely from his surgery. He developed an infection a couple of days after he got home so they opened him back up and packed him with gauze that needs to be changed nightly. I was able to tell dad that I was sorry for our past relationship and that I am so thankful I am getting to know him. He is a great guy but thanks to my mom I never got to know this. Not only is my dad pretty great but I even like my step-mom.They have been married for 17 years.
Joshua as of yesterday is revoked.Because this is his second DWI in less than 5 years he is not supposed to drive for 1 year. He hasn't said much of anything about how it's going being back at his dads. I told him when he was ready to come back to grandma's let me know.
Sierra is doing well. This semster is a hard one for her but she is doing what she needs to to graduate at semster next year.
My neck and feet are very unhappy today so I think I will close and take it easy.
If you are a prayer please lift up Michael. He is fasting. We really just want to feel and know for sure where it is that the Lord is wanting us. This is really big for Michael. He is a diabetic so he rarely fasts but he too is really hurting and uncertain of what's to come.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

doing better

I'm doing better today.
I smoked my last cigarette last night. As little as I smoked this is still going to be hard.
I also fasted one meal last night. Starting with one meal is a start. I had water and I prayed ALOT.
I was able to go visit with the Pastor of our church yesterday. It was wonderful.We talked about my depression and why now is it really getting me. We talked about my physical every day pain,we talked about that I need to grieve my old self-who I was before chiari-and that that is ok to do but mostly our conversation had to do with my mom and the control and fear.
I didn't realize my mom still had that much power and control in my life and I am afraid of her out brust so instead of putting her in a situation where she would have to figure things out on her own Michael and I moved in and saved her. When I think about it it really pisses me off. I am almost 40 still struggling with mom issues and she is almost 60 and never had to be responsible for her life. My Pastor-Tiger- had me to read John 5. Just the first part. That little old man sounds like my mom. He also said if I am having conversation with my mom and she is upsetting me to pray in the moment in my head not only for myself and her words but clearly for mom too. We talked about how I in my time need to forgive mom (you may ask for what but we don't have the time or space to go there) and I need to take the power back. We talked just a little bit that Michael and I need to have a plan for our leaving here when we are able.
I am still going to see a therapist today. I found her through our insurance and I am looking forward to it.There is something so freeing about talking,finding the problem and getting it off your chest.
I am also reading~ Lord,I want to be whole~by Stormie Omartian. If you have never read any of her work~ I highly suggest you do.
I got notice from our insurance yesterday~ I think ~that they approved the 2 MRI's Dr.Oro wants me to have in May. I still have a couple of months but I am happy that the insurance and Dr.Oro's staff are clearly doing their jobs and it does start to make surgery #2 very real.
Love you all.Thank you for your support,

Monday, March 2, 2009

Enough with the pity party

Ok so today I am sick. Head cold. Nothing the doctor can give so it has to runs it course.
I talked with my doctor today about a therapist. He said he has me on the highest dose of Cymbalta he can give me and thinks looking into counseling is a good thing. He said I need to stop smoking so I am going too (not that I needed a doctor to tell me that). He said with the amount my mom smokes in the home that it is unhealthy for me so we increased the number of times I will use my asthma inhaler a day and he gave me another prescription for the vicodin but was not real happy about it because you are not to be on it long term.
After the doctor I went to the Lifeway christian book store. I could of stayed in there for days.I came out with a couple of books and have already started reading one.
Michael went to church yesterday and shared our situation with a few of our friends. They said we need to look at being at my moms as short term and that my mom is an adult and needs to not depend on us to help her financially.
I am feeling mentally better today.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

This is clearly awful!!!!!!!!

Just a heads up~ if your not into whining than you may want to go else where.

We are at moms and it's AWFUL. We have not even been here 1 week and it's a toss up over who will lose it first ~Michael or I.
Just saying that is very sad to me because Michael is awesome.Laid back,things just roll off his back,he is very hard to anger,he is the voice of reason for me.On and on the list can go and this week all of this thanks to mom has gone out the window.To say she is hard to live with is an understatement.First this place is small and mom smokes~okay I smoke! Hate to admit it but I do.Michael was upstairs trying to have conversation with mom and he counted her smoking 9 cigarettes in the hour he was up there.I am lucky to smoke 9 cigarettes in 2 days. So needless to say this place smells bad. So bad infact that we stay in our room.This computer is in a little space by our room and the only reason I am on it is because she is at the store.If she were here I would be in our room with the door shut and a candle lit.And I smoke people!! So this is what our life has come too~being closed up in our bedroom. Thankfully we do have our own bathroom.
I am soooo worried that she (my mom ) is going to break Michael's spirit.We are I guess not intitled to have an opinion! I made comment about wanting to see Slumdog Millionaire and her nasty remarks really hurt.I guess if she knew what she were talking about it would be different but she hasn't seen the movie and clearly isn't close friends with those that acted in the movie so her words hurt.
I am very depressed. Thursday I left work early and just cryed!! This is just so sad and even sadder that we don't have any place else to go and don't know how to make this situation work.
Michael is off to church.This will be the 3rd Sunday I have missed.I don't want to answer questions about the living arrangements and how I am feeling because at this point I feel that I have nothing good or happy to say. Besides my sister and 8 others are coming over for dinner tonight so I'm sure I should try to help out some way. My sister is here from GA. I pray it goes well.
I am going to close for now. I beg for prayers!!
Much love,