doing better

I'm doing better today.
I smoked my last cigarette last night. As little as I smoked this is still going to be hard.
I also fasted one meal last night. Starting with one meal is a start. I had water and I prayed ALOT.
I was able to go visit with the Pastor of our church yesterday. It was wonderful.We talked about my depression and why now is it really getting me. We talked about my physical every day pain,we talked about that I need to grieve my old self-who I was before chiari-and that that is ok to do but mostly our conversation had to do with my mom and the control and fear.
I didn't realize my mom still had that much power and control in my life and I am afraid of her out brust so instead of putting her in a situation where she would have to figure things out on her own Michael and I moved in and saved her. When I think about it it really pisses me off. I am almost 40 still struggling with mom issues and she is almost 60 and never had to be responsible for her life. My Pastor-Tiger- had me to read John 5. Just the first part. That little old man sounds like my mom. He also said if I am having conversation with my mom and she is upsetting me to pray in the moment in my head not only for myself and her words but clearly for mom too. We talked about how I in my time need to forgive mom (you may ask for what but we don't have the time or space to go there) and I need to take the power back. We talked just a little bit that Michael and I need to have a plan for our leaving here when we are able.
I am still going to see a therapist today. I found her through our insurance and I am looking forward to it.There is something so freeing about talking,finding the problem and getting it off your chest.
I am also reading~ Lord,I want to be whole~by Stormie Omartian. If you have never read any of her work~ I highly suggest you do.
I got notice from our insurance yesterday~ I think ~that they approved the 2 MRI's Dr.Oro wants me to have in May. I still have a couple of months but I am happy that the insurance and Dr.Oro's staff are clearly doing their jobs and it does start to make surgery #2 very real.
Love you all.Thank you for your support,
Lolo